There’s profound peace in spending time by myself, while not deluding myself into believing my own company is pinnacle.
I’ve realized after years of trying, especially when I was de-prioritizing my career as a result of the world shifting around 2020, that women likely, historically & probably are going to view me as competition whether I put excessive effort into myself (pride) or show up as low maintenance as possible (humility), and men are mostly seeking something to fuck or control (or worse yet, which makes me cringe to admit, unexpectedly find a therapist-esque comfort in me, which I don’t allow so much anymore).
It’s all too brutal to write it so bluntly, but it’s just the reality of living in America. Nothing personal.
Realistically, I will find a mate in the workplace but I choose to only work for myself, and anyone who has hired me & made advancements towards me has shattered our dynamic and so I just walk away. (“and so I just walk away” seems to be the overarching trope of my relationships during my adult life).
Am I implying I’m socially perfect or even well-adjusted .. not at all. I’m either far too detached to protect my own emotional well-being when I care for someone, and spin a world of “us” in my mind while keeping minimum contact to them, or one of us becomes so enmeshed we don’t leave eachother alone until something inevitably blows up between us. Or I make up a problem in order to be left alone because I need the space. The secondary was more during my younger/immature years; these days, I tend to keep to myself. I haven’t “clicked” with anyone in so long it’s a wonder that we’re on a planet surrounded by a similar species, because I know I’m not alone in that experience.
* Post note: it’s almost dystopian, a world at our fingertips at any hour and every second of the day, yet most use it as a vehicle to fight, spy & play psychological/emotional headgames or share pure stupidity with the rise of A.I. and “viral” memetic thinking. (I don’t think a majority actively & publicly online understand you don’t want to be viral, by definition of the word.) Anyway..
This is all automatic writing I’m doing in the notes app of my phone after I just did my makeup, I could read this back later & think I’m crazy (I usually don’t), but we’ll see. I’m never this transparent in my writing that I’m flirting with the idea of posting publicly, so I’m curious how it will read later.
*Post-post note: I have a short-ish anthology I’ve been working on since the beginning of this year that began from some dreams & seduced totally into fruition by true crime shows I was watching at the time, some of it written soberly and a lot not, which I may publish here. If Stephen King can do it, so can I god forbid.
I think I’m beautiful and an overthinker. I love so deeply yet don’t feel much. I’ve intellectualized my emotions completely. And when I cry I must make a trophy of it or I don’t allow myself to at all. Yet - it works.
It’s a jungle built on capitalism and you will either adapt or die, this is what the system tells us.
I’m writing all of this to throw these parts of my identity away. My last “real” blog post has already gifted me some questions in my personal life which is both funny and concerning, I thought most people had to publish for months before they were so closely paid attention to, but I’ll take it. It’s honestly whatever. I’m “Keeping Calm & Carrying On !” (This was written on a sign in a psychologist’s office that I used to see, and I thought it was hilariously ironic with how dark most circumstances are, I use it completely sardonically and more than I care to admit).
The best parts of my personal writing is the harsh reality of it sprinkled with egoic bittersweetness. I think if I leaned too much into the reality of everything & gave way to the ideology of being “just a woman” (post note: submission, helplessness, damsel in distress, save me Great Phallic Symbolism of My Dreams), I’d fall into a Godless place, so it’s better for me to believe I’m adjacent to God by means of being of its creation process, which keeps the solidity of my character structurally sound. Yeah, I’m fine.
We the people of character defamation & internal destruction. Also, I think “in God we trust” means “in the dollar I trust” for most people. That’s not a biased cynical statement by the way, I’ve just watched how many shirk the concept of God when I bring it up and equate a higher being to that of Money, that that’s what I’ve gathered. I try to say everything from real-world experience without bias. I have empathy to the point where people close to me have told me to stop or outright that it seems stupid/naive to feel at that capacity for another person, which is fine. But I do.
That’s all.
PS I really do sound like my father. Tragic
PPS - Read this over 4 times & I fuck with it more every time.
I’m gonna go make art and not think about things for awhile ..
